i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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