i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
