Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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