Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
