i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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