I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
