Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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