EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
