Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
