Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
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