How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
