I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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