Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
porn star boner night. come get it.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
