i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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