My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
