Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
