I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
40s are totally the cure
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
