Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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