he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
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My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
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YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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