I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
My brain says no but my pants say off.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
