At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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