Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
