He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
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I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
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I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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