Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Ladies don't puke and tell
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
