I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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