i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
