I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
