i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
