fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It's blow job season.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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