I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
