My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
