dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
