god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
