We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
