Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
