My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
