We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
