oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
