I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He better not be in your backpack
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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