3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
