Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
