i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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