I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
