Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
