I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
