Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
two words: eviction party
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
