I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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