I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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