i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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