Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
