The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
