I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
