I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
