my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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