My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
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Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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