What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
