remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
