we have officially lost it.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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