I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
