My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
