I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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