im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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