The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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